The next guy I fuck:

Must have a sexy expression when he comes. I come like a porn star.

The next guy I date:

Will not be:

• an artist
• a vegetarian
• a Republican
• bisexual
• bipolar
• an atheist or agnostic
• a pot smoker (I'm trying to give it up)

He also will not have a goatee (facial hair desensitizes my clit during oral sex) or a pot belly (it's so disgusting to have one slapping against you).

I actually would like to find an uncircumcised guy, to see what that's like. But that may be hard to ask for...

My breasts aren't sexy.

I continue to breastfeed my son, who is almost 2-years-old. So why does my son's father, who was gung-ho about me nursing and not formula-feeding in the beginning, think it's so weird now?

We broke up a long time ago, before I found out I was pregnant. We have not fooled around since. He has seen me at my most wrecked: right after giving birth, all sunken-eyed and sweaty; the weeks after I gave birth and couldn't take a shower or comb my hair. When I look at him, red-haired and fair, with shoulders more narrow than mine, and though I don't think he's particularly unattractive, he definitely is not my ideal of sexiness.

(Our relationship was a one-night-stand that happened to last 5 months. He did know how to hit it at first; that's why it even lasted that long. But he did have the most ridiculously laughable and unsexy face when he came that I ever witnessed up close. Later on, he got lazy and declined to finish me off if he came first. That was the last straw.)

I do have small tits, which I know he fetishes. Maybe it's weird for him as a father seeing his son know where his mother's breasts are and that his son has no shame in exposing them. I called him on his discomfort, but he claims breastfeeding is not a turn-on. But there is something going in his head, I know it...

I get a kick from making him feel uneasy regardless. Serves him right for being a lousy lay.